KELVIN Jack has not conceded a goal since a World Cup play-off match for Trinidad & Tobago in Port of Spain against Bahrain a month ago. The last goal struck past him with Dundee was at a ground where a hedge runs along one touchline.
This more than adequately illustrates the whole burlesque business of the goalkeeper's life at present. But there's more. On the last day of this season he is due to return to the ground where he will turn out today for Dundee, Queen of the South's stately but still unrenowned Palmerston Park. Weeks later Jack will be fretfully calculating his angles as Wayne Rooney bears down on him in the German city of Nuremburg during this summer's World Cup.
He laughs a gentle laugh at the notion. Jack is alert to the wild contrasts and admits the process of preparing himself for a Dundee match can be compromised slightly by the kind of 'what am I doing here?' moment that surely occurred when he stepped off the team coach and saw Brechin City's delightfully eccentric Glebe Park for the first time.
"It was surreal," admits the now firmly established Trinidad and Tobago international keeper. "I was like 'aw, c'mon man, you're joking me!' But you get on with it, and keep the ultimate goal in your mind - Dundee need to get promoted. You need to keep yourself sharp.
"This is the situation I am in at the moment," he continues. "Sometimes it could be difficult for me to get up for a game. You go into a tiny dressing room, and think 'jeez'. But when you start warming up you don't disrespect football. You don't think 'because I am going to play in the World Cup I will automatically keep a clean sheet here'. Give any striker worth his salt half a chance and he'll score."
Brechin City's Stuart Callaghan demonstrated this in October, lashing a shot past a goalkeeper who will be seeking to deal with Beckham's benders this summer. And the England skipper's trademark free-kicks too.
Jack is finding it hard living this double life of grit and glamour and on one occasion already has been undone. Having played the game of his life in the second leg of the World Cup play-off against Bahrain, Jack was inveigled into staying on the Trinidad & Tobago team plane as it headed for Port of Spain with a distinguished cargo that also included the nation's Prime Minister Patrick Manning, and the President George Maxwell Richard.
Although fellow Scottish domiciled team-mates Russell Latapy, Marvin Andrews and Jason Scotland made their excuses and left when the charter flight landed in Madrid, Jack remained on board. Every mile that took him nearer his Caribbean homeland took him further away from that weekend's Dundee appointment in Dingwall, against Ross County.
The anxiety he said he felt was dispelled by an apparent assurance that a flight would take him back to Britain the following day.
The way Jack tells it he seems almost to have been hi-jacked. Yet it seems certain he was a willing enough hostage. Who wouldn't be? There were supportive messages left for him by Dundee fans on the club website, many following the same line of argument: who wouldn't want to go and get banjaxed with your mates after a life-defining achievement? And if that happens to mean being in the Caribbean, then so much the better.
Except Jack bristles at the suggestion he had been tempted home by the promise of a Bacchanalian night of excess. It wasn't a party, he cautions. It was a civic reception. If girls in grass skirts delivered hollowed-out coconuts that overflowed with wine then they did so only after he left. And there were no dancing ladies high-kicking out a knickerbocker salute to these heroes of the isles. At least none he saw.
"This is the first and last time I am going to talk about it," Jack says, though far from grumpily. "It was a civic reception hosted by the President. The entire nation was overwhelmed by the whole occasion. You have to understand that World Cup qualification is a unifying thing for Trinidad & Tobago. The President was obviously there, as well as the Prime Minister and other distinguished guests. There was a party atmosphere but it was all very official and dignified."
It's fair to say, though, that a small market town in the Highlands was not at the forefront of his mind as he glad-handed the worthies with a paw that had helped make history the previous day. With Bahrain battling to score the equaliser that would save their World Cup dream Jack had been called into drastic action. In the last minutes he twisted his body to his left and tipped over a Talal Yusuf shot that had seemed destined for the back of the net.
It's the save which made his name, and from which emerges the tantalising prospect of Dundee being represented at the World Cup. Admittedly it's not so long since Chinese skipper Fan Zhiyi appeared in the last World Cup ostensibly as a Dundee player, but by then the baffling politics of a club careering towards self-destruction had made it impossible to decipher whether he was their's or not. Jack might not be Dundee's either come June, with interest in the player having been sparked by the profile provided by his new star billing.
It's certainly a long way from the gloomy days of the summer, when Jack lost five goals when on trial at Brighton & Hove Albion. Jack arrived back in Jute City, contemplating a World Cup season spent warming the bench at First Division Dundee. But salvation came courtesy of an injury sustained by Derek Soutar, which meant Jack has remained Dundee's main keeper. At least on those occasions he's been able to make it.
"The manager [Alan Kernaghan] and I have had a chat about what happened," says the 28-year-old. "I gave him my side of the story. To be fair he was very professional in the way he dealt with it. Obviously a few harsh words were said but this is a man's game, and it's all behind us now.
I am just disappointed at the way it was reported here. These people don't know me personally. Everyone probably thought 'he just went home and had a big party'. But people who know me would laugh at that."
Jack is weary of the lazily employed Trinidad & Tobago stereotype that casts players from the islands as better suited to 24 hour parties than 90 minutes of sweaty endeavour on a football pitch.
"I am not a party person," he says. "And a lot of others aren't either. Take Marvin Andrews - how intense is he? And Dwight Yorke. He smiles on the pitch but he is my captain and I know how intense he is in the dressing room. Look at Russell Latapy. He is 37 and I recently saw him boss a game against Barry Ferguson, Scotland's best midfield player. There's someone who is perceived as a joker yet he's bossing a game at Ibrox."
All will be essential components in the team that faces not only England in seven months' time, but also Sweden and Paraguay.
"Anyone would think you're off to the World Cup!" banters a young-team mate as Jack adopts a variety of poses for the photographer. He flashes back a knowing smile and later promises to wear a tee-shirt beneath his goalkeeper's top against England: "It'll say 'Scotland, this is for you', or something. I'll probably get fined by FIFA, but it will be worth it if we've won..."
Tartan Trinidadians
Russell Latapy
The former Porto midfielder was an inspired signing for Hibs by Alex McLeish in 1999 as the Easter Road club sought promotion from the First Division. Disciplinary problems saw him leave Easter Road and he joined Rangers. He is now thriving with Falkirk at the age of 37.
Jason Scotland
Striker who was lured to this country by Dundee United in 2003 but was forced out of Tannadice when an application for a new work permit was denied last summer. Curiously, when he reapplied as a St Johnstone player the permit was granted.
Marvin Andrews
Rangers centre back defied medical logic when he refused an operation on a cruciate ligament injury last season. The devout Christian preferred instead to place his faith in God's ability to keep him playing.
Kelvin Jack
One of two Scottish First Division players who can expect to play in next year's World Cup finals.The Dundee goalkeeper keeps Shaka Hislop out of the national team.