Captains, your ships are in trouble! Don't you care? I've been trying for the last few days to make sense of what is happening in Trinidad and Tobago football and West Indies cricket, or more precisely, the respective senior men's representative squads. Trust me, it's an impossible task.
On one hand, we're about to repeat history with this evening's game against the United States set to officially, mathematically (and any other way you would like to look at it) bring to an end our chances of reaching South Africa 2010, in the same way that the Americans dashed the glorious dream of Italia '90 almost 20 years ago.
On the other hand, you've got a cricket squad that is already in South Africa; a collection of replacement players who will try their best but will not be up to the task of avoiding humiliation in the Champions Trophy tournament; the sort of humiliation that would have been unthinkable 20 years ago when just mentioning the name "West Indies" anywhere in the cricketing world would evoke reactions ranging from fear to awe to, at the very least, respect.
It seems that even with the memorable experience of Germany 2006 to console us, we have made no real progress as a national team over the past two decades while in contrast, our West Indies cricket stocks are plumbing new depths, with every prospect that it is going to get so bad that the game in the Caribbean may never fully recover from this disheartening and debilitating experience.
But you know what really makes it all the more frustrating? The attitude of those at the helm, the people who would appear to have the most to gain and, I assume, the most to lose in both camps.
Russell Latapy doesn't want to point the finger of blame, even after a performance last Saturday night in San Pedro Sula when, yet again, the defenders were occasionally absent without leave. Fair enough. I can respect the head coach's position if he does not want to berate his players publicly. But is he doing anything behind closed doors to remedy the situation?
In the three months since his debut in the job resulted in relatively-encouraging performances despite losses to Costa Rica in Bacolet and Mexico at the Azteca Stadium, Trinidad and Tobago have not faced a single reputable opponent as part of their preparations for the second half of the final phase of the CONCACAF World Cup qualifying campaign.
Look, I am a footballing neophyte. But how else would you know if what has always been the traditional downfall of our national team's grandiose aspirations is in any way improved without testing its sturdiness against a proper challenge?
Okay, we got past El Salvador last month to keep the slim hopes alive. Still, the defensive frailties were there for all to see at the Hasely Crawford Stadium. So watching Carlos Pavon and company breeze past static or lumbering defenders on the way to pounding four goals past Clayton Ince in Honduras at the weekend could not have been a surprise to anyone other than those who choose to bury their heads in the sand.
Playing for a national team is a privilege, not a divine right. Those who can't make the grade or are past their best, as much as they may be nice fellas, must make way for alternates. This involves an element of ruthlessness by the coach, a recognition that national honour-which must be placed above friendship in this instance-is at stake.
Latapy's selections, so far, don't suggest that he is prepared to undertake the surgery that is necessary, assuming of course that he has the final say. If he doesn't, then he should step down right away.
Indeed, with Dwight Yorke resigning once more from international duty on the eve of the game in Honduras, and then being appointed as an assistant coach mere hours after the 4-1 cut-tail, the question must be asked whether the former midfield maestro is presiding over a pally-wally liming section or a professional technical staff intent on using the remaining games of this failed effort to really take Trinidad and Tobago football forward.
I've left just a few paragraphs for the West Indies cricket situation. Why? Well, you tell me what to say that hasn't already been said, other than the fact that the knee-jerk media responses of the West Indies Cricket Board and the West Indies Players Association are second only to Colm Imbert's.
Seeing as how prominent Guyanese Bharrat Jagdeo and Shridath Ramphal both failed to broker a settlement between the warring factions, I'd like to draw the analogy of the pirogue "SS West Indies" adrift on the Potaro River and heading towards the Kaieteur Falls after the engine ran out of gas.
There's one container of fuel left, but instead of pouring it in, getting the motor started and speeding away from danger, the two men on board, "Mr WICB" (I know it's hard to pronounce) and "Mr WIPA" are fighting over ownership of the canister of gas.
As they scuffle, the boat is sucked towards the surely-fatal drop. But that doesn't matter to either individual. All each man is concerned with is winning the immediate fight, even if both are doomed anyway.
So the "SS West Indies" is effectively finished while the cool leader of the "SS Soca Warriors" enjoys the company of a dysfunctional crew. Gypsy, forget about RamJackG and start singing again.